Into the Wilderness
The silence is deafening,
The cries are silent,
The wilderness hides my screams and pleas.
My soul has been taken,
My comforts have been stripped away,
My spirit has been beaten with no marks to prove.
Triangulation.
Manipulation.
Contemplation.
Will someone hear my tormented cries?
Will someone see the signs?
Will someone help me even when I deny?
My truth is suppressed by my reactions,
My truth is silenced by what I am becoming,
My truth is screaming for me to hear my own pleas.
This won’t get better,
This wilderness is here to consume me,
This darkness will blanket me as I give my last breath.
My essence is lost and broken,
My essence is morphing to survive,
My essence craves for peace.
Just give me peace!
I am separated.
I am silenced.
I am sad.
I pretend, pretend, pretend…to be okay.
I thought I was going to get a glimpse of heaven in the wilderness,
A journey through hell is what I received instead.
The wilderness was my promised land, that I barely got to see.
Empty promises of paradise to see,
Empty promises of how life will be,
Empty promises because of my need to flee.
Smoke screens and mirrors,
Secret lies to be seen,
Secretly begging for someone to see my silent screams.
So many miles, it never stops.
So many lies, it never stops.
So many calculated scenes, it never stops.
The charm.
The charisma.
The chase.
The thrill of freedom,
The thrill of fun,
The thrill of finding peace.
I seek peace.
I need peace.
I crave peace.
I wandered to the wilderness seeking peace,
I wandered through the wilderness seeking peace,
I wandered by the waters of the wilderness seeking peace.
It was never supposed to be this way.
It was never supposed to look this way.
It was never supposed to end this way.
I thought I could survive in the wilderness,
I thought I could thrive in the wilderness,
I thought I could just be enough in the wilderness.
My youth was fleeting.
My voice was bleating.
My heart was beating.
I tried to be enough, though I was already enough.
I tried to be worthy, though I was already worthy.
I tried to be authentic, though I was hiding in plain sight.
Sadly…
The mind fuc*ery still exists in the wilderness.
The demons still exist in the wilderness.
The lies still exist in the wilderness.
I will forever now be a part of the wilderness.
I will forever now be a part of the story of the untamed wilderness.
I will forever now be a part of the skies of the wilderness.
I will not be silenced any more.
I will not be held back from speaking my truth any more.
I will not be invisible any more.
My voice will be heard.
My story will be heard.
My cries will be heard.
I AM NOW HEARD!
I gained my voice.
I gained my truth.
I gained my Freedom…in the wilderness.
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This poem is dedicated to Gabby Petito, to all the souls that didn’t make it home to their families and to all the survivors of domestic violence.
It is time to stand up and speak out about your experiences. My own life has been impacted by the silent screams of DV and I want you to know that we can make a difference for ourselves, for our children and for others going through the same thing by telling our stories and healing the inner wounds that these experiences create causing unnecessary heartache and trauma.
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